By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 7/23/2018 at 1:50 PM
Wichita, Kansas: Accusations of Russian meddling in American politics intensified after Russian agents were caught setting up a fake Dungeons & Dragons Tournament on the exact same date as a Kansas Libertarian Party Conference. The proposed event, “Witch-i-Con 2018“, promised a full tournament to include a variant of the classic module “B2 Keep on the Borderlands” followed by options for a miniatures painting clinic or Gamma World break-away session, and culminating in a roundtable discussion on “Who was hotter, Lolth in Drow form or the Succubus from Monster Manual I?” Needless to say, the event was already drawing huge interest in Libertarian circles before the FBI closed in.
“This is a classic voter suppression tactic.” explained Agent Lovato from the FBI’s Wichita Field Office. “By luring attendees away with such a seductive alternative, the Russians could easily manipulate the outcome of the conference. Who knows, maybe they could even have discredited the movement by getting some husky bearded guy to strip on stage or something.”
Reaction among the Libertarian faithful was intense and angry. “What hurts most is the deception.” explained Emporia homebrewer Jimmy Howerton. “Also, Lolth in that spiderweb bra was much hotter than Succubus.”
“I don’t know how many more setbacks our movement can take.” lamented a local party volunteer named Sky. “I mean, this is worse than the time Gary Johnson suspended his 2016 campaign for a hacky sack competition.”
As the story went to print, the Heat Grates learned that local Libertarian Party organizers planned to have the last laugh by incorporating all the events from the fake D&D convention into the actual Conference.
Editot’s Note: The Heat Grates looks forward to all letters from angry Libertarians accusing us of misrepresenting their philosophy and/or messing up one of our D&D references.